Friday, December 02, 2005

Ashes to ashes

I am going to go pick up Crissy's ashes tomorrow. That got me thinking a bit about death and afterlife and such. It is funny because in my grief, just after Crissy died, I found that I had all kinds of little daydreams about heaven and seeing her again and hanging out.

But today, now that my sadness has faded some, I find that I just dont believe in an afterlife. Deep down, I believe that when we die, that is that. And it isnt too scary but it isnt really comforting either.

I havent decided what to do with her ashes. The rose bush thing sounds good but I am so terrible with plants that I fear I will kill the rose bush I plant and then I'll get sad about that. But then, I honestly cant think of a single other thing to do with the ashes. Oh well. For now, I think I will just stick them in my attic and decide what to do later.

I am not so sure about all of these death rituals. When my cat Fred died, I never did anything. I had him cremated but didnt have the ashes returned to me. I dont regret that because, at the time, I didnt need to do it. I am not sure why I need to have Crissy's ashes this time though. I mean, I dont need a funeral to make it more real...her absense is real enough. *shrug*

I suppose it is possible that just this once, I can simply let myself need to have her ashes without pulling out my emotions and figuring out every possible reason I might have to want and desire such a thing.


absurdito said...

While I also don't believe in any afterlife, and am especially [what word am I looking for...?] negative toward rituals, there is some cognitive comfort in after-death ceremony. We're going along with someone at our side, then when that someone is suddenly gone things seem incomplete, left hanging. A ritual can satisfy the mind - irrespective of any belief in anything "behind" the ritual - by taking control of the sudden loss and making it complete. "Closure," is a popular word.

Mozart made a joke-symphony which ends without "resolution." That is, the piece seems to end in "mid-sentence;" it doesn't come 'round again to the signature key (or some such musical term), and it almost hurts! Try singing a little ditty - "Happy Birthday," for example: sing up to "...dear so-and-so / Happy Birthday.." and end there. It hurts!

It just soothes the head not to leave things incomplete and hanging...

E-Speed said...

with you on the whole after life scenario. I think sometimes that can make the death of close ones even harder to bear. But on a good note it usually means I try to get the most out of my time since I believe once it is up that is that. And it sounds like you and Crissy definitely made the best of your time together.