The Grass is Always Greener

I went back to work today where I found out that I will most likely be disqualified from the short term disability benefit because I went into work last friday which means that the one week waiting period reset. As it happens, I would have only been entitled to 80% of 24 hours of pay. I've missed 64 hours of work and would be required to use personal/vacation days for the first forty hours anyways. Still it is frustrating because I went into work last Friday mostly because I felt guilty about staying home even when I was sick. And maybe I didnt really want to admit that I was as sick as I was. Oh well.

This whole sickness has really brought up a lot of feelings of frustration. This business of missing out on some money reminds me that I have allowed myself to be in a financial situation that I dont like. It also reminds me yet again of how fragile a body can be. One good flu virus and you're out for a couple of weeks! And it can be worse too. Arent we all just one good car accident away from being laid up for weeks and weeks... or worse?

And of course, there is that feeling I get once in a while that it just really sucks being single. And I know that is a complete example of The-Grass-Is-Greener thinking as a good friend reminded me when I was whining about it on the phone earlier this week. She reminded me that spouses can be a lot of work and that when one in a twosome gets some highly contagious illness, it is very likely that the other one will too and then you're not only sick but you have to put up with someone else's hacking cough in the middle of the night. But of course in my mind, I would be married to someone immune to all illnesses ;)

Seriously though. It is one of the weird parts of my personality that I could probably spend a fortune on therapy figuring out. On the one hand, I have a real desire to have someone take care of me and I mean totally. Financially, emotionally, make me chicken soup, etc. And on the other hand, I *hate* letting my friends help me. I turned down a lot of offers of help this past week. So I long for something that I hate getting. How fucked up is that?

Oh well. I am better now. My health has returned. My tax refund will spare me any serious financial issues. My good humor will be back before too long and things will seem rosy again. I mean it is almost summer time and even if I cant afford to go on some special vacation, I can spend a lot of days swimming under blue skies and that is something.