Wednesday, February 07, 2007

There is Always Someone Worse Off

Ok, I gotta admit it. The main reason I like news stories such as the recent story about the astronaut who put on some diapers and then drove 1000 miles to get all crazy around a romantic rival is that I get to sit up here far away it all and say "Well, at least I am not *that* crazy"

I have had my bouts of craziness of course and at least a couple of times, I have had the crazies bad enough that I can empathize with My breakup with my first real boyfriend when I was 21 was the worst time. I dont even have words to describe that feeling of being out of control. I think that I was in so much pain that the pain became all that mattered.

I remember one incident where I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and found him in bed with the woman who later became his next girlfriend. I was soooooo angry. I ran out of the apartment and on the way out, I kicked the window and broke it. I mean, it was serious scary violent stuff. But the truth is that I didnt intend to break the window when I kicked it. I actually just wanted to make a loud noise so he would know how angry I was, which would be scary enough and inappropriate in and of itself but is less than broken glass. The thing is that I was so out of control at that moment that I didnt have any common sense. It simply didnt occur to me that kicking a window would cause it to break. I know that sounds unbelievable. But honestly that was how I was thinking. (and on a side note, now that I am not angry with that former boyfriend anymore for dumping me, I am grateful to him because he never called the cops about that incident or used it to embarrass me. He even forgave me the debt of the money to replace the window)

Later on when I realized how creepy my behavior was and when I started feeling some similar feelings at the end of another relationship, I did spend a few years and several thousand of dollars in therapy which turned my life around and gave me the skills to deal with things better. Oh, I have found myself slipping into crazy thought patterns since the therapy but only for short times and never with any out of control behavior.

So that is the thing I guess. I can empathize with Ms Diaper Astronaut. I know what it is like to be crazy in that way. But I also know that I would never have put on diapers so I could drive 1000 miles without stopping for bathroom breaks to meet up with someone in an airport in order to pepper spray them. I dont know why I find it comforting that there are people in the world who are worse than I am but in this case, I do.

I think it is a fear thing. For years I worried that I might lose control again and now I feel confident that I wont. Stories like this one remind me of that and give me a glimpse into what life might have like for me if I hadnt of gotten my shit together.


Proshat said...

My Friend always says:
Everyone's entiltes to a little madness

Anonymous said...

>when I started feeling some similar feelings...
This section is pretty awesome to be able to say. Congratulations - you are wiser, not just older, like too many others in the world today it seems. -Suzie