School.

Lately, I have to admit that I have been pretty cranky. Part of it is seasonal depression I am sure but I dont think that is all of it. I hate to admit it but I think that a big part of it is that I am taking classes this semester. And I just hate school.

It is funny because I dont mind learning. I think I hate all the hoops one has to jump through. The more hoops a class has, the more I hate it. I dont mind the ones where you go to lecture and then take a test. I have found that the online classes arent quite as bad although even there a lot depends on who is teaching the class.

The one good thing about it all is that when I find myself taking classes with lots of hoops, I am always reminded of why I dropped out of college in the first place. It takes a lot of energy for me to force myself to participate. I sometimes get so frustrated that I end up in tears. Not frustrated because the work is hard or because I dont understand the material but because it is just so hard for me to do yet another bullshit assignment. It reminds me that I didnt just quit before because I was lazy. I always forgive myself for dropping out at times like this while at the same time being a little angry at myself for not suffering then so I wouldnt have to suffer now ;)

Oh well. I guess I will put up with it because I want to be done and I am soooo close that I can taste it. It is just in the mean time, I am becoming a wreck. It isnt the first time either. I cant tell you how many times I have gotten completely freaked out by the end of a semester. It is like anxiety mixed with a sense of dread.

Anyways, I am feeling this way about school at the moment (except that I am enjoying my Saturday fitness class). I am feeling this way about work a little bit too and now I feel like I am spending every waking hour doing stuff I dont like. Getting up and getting out of the door in the morning has become a huge chore. Ugh. Even though I know it is a short term situation, it doesnt make me feel better now.