Ahhhh. The neglected blog.
It is funny how little I feel like writing these days. I guess things like writing come in waves. At least for me anyways.
So things here in Michigan are good or at least as good as can be when the temperature is down in the teens and single digits (that's below zero with the wind chill). I am constantly reminded that I cant find my winter stuff -- gloves, hat, etc. I always tell myself in the summertime that the cold will motivate me to clean up my stuff so that I can find things like my hat and gloves and yet here I am with none of those things.
It is kind of like my washer. It broke last August. And every time I go to the laundromat, I tell myself that going to the laundromat will motivate me to clean up my basement so I wont be embarrassed to have someone come deliver a new washing machine. Not that I have the money for a new one at the moment. I figured I wasnt going to get around to buying one so I bought a plane ticket to Paris instead! I guess there are rewards to procrastination.
Anyways, all in all, life is good. I still love my job and still have it. I have a really cool house. I have wonderful friends. I went to my friend Burt's 40th birthday party on Saturday night. I had a really good time. I lost touch with him and that whole crowd for years but have reconnected with them (because of MySpace of all things) and I am just so happy about that. I met Burt when I was in the 7th grade! It is nice to talk to people who knew me whan I was young because I was so different then that no one I meet now can ever get to know that kid that I was. But Burt knows. As it happens, I was kind of an asshole but Burt is kind enough to have forgotten that part or at least kind enough to say that he does. But then wasnt everyone kind of a jerk in junior high/middle school? I suspect that my sister who teaches kids that age might agree with me although I've never asked her.
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Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, January 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
You'll Be Sorry
I picked up a book in the free book room yesterday. (This is my last week of the free book room which is one benefit of this job I will surely miss). This book is a book of poems written by Jeffrey Skinner called Salt Water Amnesia. The poems are decent but not likely to become favorites, although with poetry, you never know. Sometimes a poem read and cast off becomes a favorite later on. Many of these poems are prose poems. A lot of people don't even think prose poems should be considered poems but I have to admit that I really like them. I often wish I had a better command of metaphor, simile, analogy, and other symbolic language. Then I would be able to impress people with my brilliant prose poems instead of writing them on scraps of paper to be tossed into a notebook at the bottom of my closet.
This batch of poems isn't bad. There is one that I like better than the others called White Dwarf. This is the beginning of it:
I like this one because it really captures an emotion I feel when someone hurts me. I often imagine some future scenario where everything goes wrong for the object of my ire. Usually my fantasy involves them realizing at the last minute how very wrong they were to have hurt me. It is childish, I know, but it always makes me feel better. And as long as I keep my thoughts to myself, it is a perfectly harmless exercise. Still, there is an absurdity to it too and that particular line in Skinner’s poem brought that home to me. Yeah yeah...Someday when the earth is in flames and you are DEAD, you'll be thinking all about *me* ME *me* because yeah...like you wont have anything better to think about. And you'll be sorry. Your last thought will be deep regret for taking my heart and stomping on it over and over until it squished through your toes. Yeah, you'll be sorry alright. You're probably sorry that you forgot to pick up your drycleaning that one time too. And sorry that you cut off that lady in traffic that other time. You're sorry alright. Riiiiiight.
This batch of poems isn't bad. There is one that I like better than the others called White Dwarf. This is the beginning of it:
One day when our sun runs out of fuel and collapses inward under its own weight, then picks up enough mass from its neighbor to explode outward, the blown debris approaching a good fraction of the speed of light, then, then, you'll be sorry.
I like this one because it really captures an emotion I feel when someone hurts me. I often imagine some future scenario where everything goes wrong for the object of my ire. Usually my fantasy involves them realizing at the last minute how very wrong they were to have hurt me. It is childish, I know, but it always makes me feel better. And as long as I keep my thoughts to myself, it is a perfectly harmless exercise. Still, there is an absurdity to it too and that particular line in Skinner’s poem brought that home to me. Yeah yeah...Someday when the earth is in flames and you are DEAD, you'll be thinking all about *me* ME *me* because yeah...like you wont have anything better to think about. And you'll be sorry. Your last thought will be deep regret for taking my heart and stomping on it over and over until it squished through your toes. Yeah, you'll be sorry alright. You're probably sorry that you forgot to pick up your drycleaning that one time too. And sorry that you cut off that lady in traffic that other time. You're sorry alright. Riiiiiight.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Fat, Broke, and Lonely
Someone was telling me about a book called Fat, Broke & Lonely No More!. Amazon has the following description about it:
I havent read this book yet but I am very interested in it. I am curious at what her solutions might be. I hope it is something more that a glorified instruction manual for losing weight, earning more money, and gettin' hitched. Nevertheless, just the title got me thinking. I have to admit that I think it is interesting that the author of this book is addressing all of these things together in one book. At first, I thought it was odd but when I stopped to think about it, it all makes a kind of sense because those things are all connected in a way.
I mean, I am fat. And like it or not, being fat makes it MUCH harder to find a mate. Being single increases loneliness. But it also has financial implications since single women tend to be poorer than married women. In my own case, I have a household income that is just slightly below the mean household income in the USA. But if I were married to someone with the same income, the two of us would have an income in the top 20% of household incomes. That is a difference between having a middle class income and an upper middle class income.
So...Fat, Broke, and Lonely. Here are my thoughts on each of those things.
Re: Fat.
Well, since I *am* fat, I pretty much always feel fat. What I have learned is that being fat is probably outside of my control. Or rather, what it would take for me to be not fat is more than I can do and still be sane and happy. I have also learned that doesnt mean that I am a bad person. Being fat also doesnt mean that I necessarily have to be terribly unhealthy. So I changed my goal away from losing weight and have made new goals that are more attainable. e.g. walking several times a week is a goal. Making sure I eat enough fruits and veggies is a goal. Reducing my sugar intake is a goal. Those are all good things but are not things that cause me to lose a significant amount of weight.
I have put a lot of focus on not internalizing the messages our culture has about fat, especially those messages that arent based in fact. For instance, it isnt laziness on my part that keeps me fat. It isnt a complete lack of willpower that keeps me fat. It is a constant battle though because our culture tends to shame people for being fat. A lot of people consider it a moral failing.
Basically my solution to feeling fat has been to change my outlook on what fat means. It doesnt mean I am unhealthy although since it is a risk factor for certain things, it does mean that I need to monitor my health more closely than others might need to. It doesnt mean that I am a bad person. It doesnt mean that I am ugly. It just means that I have a body shape that is different than most people's.
Re: Broke
I am often broke. Some of that is due to some bad financial management on my part but ironicly some it that is due to good financial management on my part, i.e. I feel broke when I dont have enough money to buy things that I want but not buying them anyways on credit is good financial management.
Lately though, I have been under more financial stress than usual. If I were to lose my job, I dont know what I'll do. Unemployment benefits would not be enough for meto live on. I might need to sell my house in such a situation if I couldnt find a job within a month or so. Almost all of my savings are in my retirement account which I could access but with penalties. I would hate to do that but if push came to shove, I guess I would have to.
What this has taught me more than anything is that I *really* need to work more on getting my financial house in order. I need to spend even less than I am spending now. I might need to try to find a roommate or something. I need to save more money so I can have that six months of salary that everyone recommends saved up so that if I ever find myself in a situation where I might lose my job, I wont be stressed out about it.
Re: Lonely.
I guess there are different types of loneliness.
There is what I consider real lonliness where one finds oneself cut off from the rest of the world. Sometimes in the winter I experience this because I tend to get depressed in the winter. It is a vicious cycle. I get depressed enough that just going to work sucks up most of my energy so I dont make an effort to socialize. Then the lack of social interaction means that I start to feel lonely, which makes me more depressed, which in turn, makes me even less likely to do social things. I often have to make a real effort to socialize even if it is only talking to someone on the phone for a half hour.
Being social and making the emotional connections that prevent loneliness are hard work. But important work. When I feel lonely, I call people and make an effort to see them. I tell people I love them. I hug my friends.
There is also the loneliness of being single. Some of that, though, isnt real loneliness on my part, but rather a response to cultural expectations that people, and especially women, be partnered up. Mostly, I have decided that I am going to be single for the rest of my life and I have come to terms with that. I honestly believe that it is better to be single than to be with the wrong person. If the right person should happen to come along, that is great.
Being single and feeling that particular kind of loneliness is still hard though. I dont meet very many men that I am interested in but when I do, they have (so far) pretty much always rejected me at some point or another. Well, all the men have rejected me except for the ones I rejected first! haha. Seriously though, that is a mind set I fall into occasionally. I will think, "Every man in the world has rejected me" but really that isnt true because there have been men who havent but whom I felt were lacking in one way or another so I actually was the one who rejected them. I guess it is easier to forget the people one rejects as romantic partners than the other ones. And ok, while I am not beating my many suiters off with a stick (although I did recently have a guy camped out on my front lawn), I do have some men who are interested. It just hasnt been anyone in whom I am also interested.
In conclusion, I guess I have to say that I am fat, broke, and lonely at least by many other people's definitions and I dont think it is all that bad really. There are worse things certainly and my life is generally pretty good!
Do you ever obsess about whether to order dessert, buy those pricey sandals, or be totally honest on a third date?
If so, then you are already acquainted with the fear of being fat, broke & lonely. If only we could eat less, get paid better, and be more outgoing.
Only it's not that simple. Our endless quest to be fit, flush, and partnered (no matter where we fall on the scale) inevitably makes us feel fat, broke & lonely. The symptoms are anxiety, shame, and fear, and the diagnosis is feeling miserable about ourselves. We have two choices: give up, convinced that this is just a lifelong, losing battle, or go toe-to-toe with our negative self-image and take back our lives.
Real-life anecdotes, practical strategies, and a touch of sass make this revolutionary five-step plan a must-read. First, Moran helps us discover the root of the symptoms. Then we learn how to break up with fat, broke & lonely for good. And finally, we learn how to hook up with the life of our dreams—and who doesn't want that?
I havent read this book yet but I am very interested in it. I am curious at what her solutions might be. I hope it is something more that a glorified instruction manual for losing weight, earning more money, and gettin' hitched. Nevertheless, just the title got me thinking. I have to admit that I think it is interesting that the author of this book is addressing all of these things together in one book. At first, I thought it was odd but when I stopped to think about it, it all makes a kind of sense because those things are all connected in a way.
I mean, I am fat. And like it or not, being fat makes it MUCH harder to find a mate. Being single increases loneliness. But it also has financial implications since single women tend to be poorer than married women. In my own case, I have a household income that is just slightly below the mean household income in the USA. But if I were married to someone with the same income, the two of us would have an income in the top 20% of household incomes. That is a difference between having a middle class income and an upper middle class income.
So...Fat, Broke, and Lonely. Here are my thoughts on each of those things.
Re: Fat.
Well, since I *am* fat, I pretty much always feel fat. What I have learned is that being fat is probably outside of my control. Or rather, what it would take for me to be not fat is more than I can do and still be sane and happy. I have also learned that doesnt mean that I am a bad person. Being fat also doesnt mean that I necessarily have to be terribly unhealthy. So I changed my goal away from losing weight and have made new goals that are more attainable. e.g. walking several times a week is a goal. Making sure I eat enough fruits and veggies is a goal. Reducing my sugar intake is a goal. Those are all good things but are not things that cause me to lose a significant amount of weight.
I have put a lot of focus on not internalizing the messages our culture has about fat, especially those messages that arent based in fact. For instance, it isnt laziness on my part that keeps me fat. It isnt a complete lack of willpower that keeps me fat. It is a constant battle though because our culture tends to shame people for being fat. A lot of people consider it a moral failing.
Basically my solution to feeling fat has been to change my outlook on what fat means. It doesnt mean I am unhealthy although since it is a risk factor for certain things, it does mean that I need to monitor my health more closely than others might need to. It doesnt mean that I am a bad person. It doesnt mean that I am ugly. It just means that I have a body shape that is different than most people's.
Re: Broke
I am often broke. Some of that is due to some bad financial management on my part but ironicly some it that is due to good financial management on my part, i.e. I feel broke when I dont have enough money to buy things that I want but not buying them anyways on credit is good financial management.
Lately though, I have been under more financial stress than usual. If I were to lose my job, I dont know what I'll do. Unemployment benefits would not be enough for meto live on. I might need to sell my house in such a situation if I couldnt find a job within a month or so. Almost all of my savings are in my retirement account which I could access but with penalties. I would hate to do that but if push came to shove, I guess I would have to.
What this has taught me more than anything is that I *really* need to work more on getting my financial house in order. I need to spend even less than I am spending now. I might need to try to find a roommate or something. I need to save more money so I can have that six months of salary that everyone recommends saved up so that if I ever find myself in a situation where I might lose my job, I wont be stressed out about it.
Re: Lonely.
I guess there are different types of loneliness.
There is what I consider real lonliness where one finds oneself cut off from the rest of the world. Sometimes in the winter I experience this because I tend to get depressed in the winter. It is a vicious cycle. I get depressed enough that just going to work sucks up most of my energy so I dont make an effort to socialize. Then the lack of social interaction means that I start to feel lonely, which makes me more depressed, which in turn, makes me even less likely to do social things. I often have to make a real effort to socialize even if it is only talking to someone on the phone for a half hour.
Being social and making the emotional connections that prevent loneliness are hard work. But important work. When I feel lonely, I call people and make an effort to see them. I tell people I love them. I hug my friends.
There is also the loneliness of being single. Some of that, though, isnt real loneliness on my part, but rather a response to cultural expectations that people, and especially women, be partnered up. Mostly, I have decided that I am going to be single for the rest of my life and I have come to terms with that. I honestly believe that it is better to be single than to be with the wrong person. If the right person should happen to come along, that is great.
Being single and feeling that particular kind of loneliness is still hard though. I dont meet very many men that I am interested in but when I do, they have (so far) pretty much always rejected me at some point or another. Well, all the men have rejected me except for the ones I rejected first! haha. Seriously though, that is a mind set I fall into occasionally. I will think, "Every man in the world has rejected me" but really that isnt true because there have been men who havent but whom I felt were lacking in one way or another so I actually was the one who rejected them. I guess it is easier to forget the people one rejects as romantic partners than the other ones. And ok, while I am not beating my many suiters off with a stick (although I did recently have a guy camped out on my front lawn), I do have some men who are interested. It just hasnt been anyone in whom I am also interested.
In conclusion, I guess I have to say that I am fat, broke, and lonely at least by many other people's definitions and I dont think it is all that bad really. There are worse things certainly and my life is generally pretty good!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Angst and The Rules
I feel really weird at the moment. I guess it is a feeling that can best be described as angst. Probably it is just a normal worry about the next horrible situation at work that I am likely to have to deal with. I hope that is what it is. I wasnt feeling this earlier in the day.
Today actually started out pretty good. I had an email from a long lost friend in my inbox and that made me really happy as he was at one time one of my very best friends. We've just fallen out of touch in recent years which happens sometimes. I kind of had to laugh though because I have been saying "I know that I never call and never write but that doesnt mean that I dont love you" to a lot of people lately.
Which kind of reminds me of that lovely dating handbook The Rules. Because one of the things they keep saying over and over is that if someone is interested in you or cares, they will call. I KNOW that isnt true because there are a lot of people in this world whom I LOVE dearly and whom I seldom call. I found a copy in the free book room lately and brought it home. I figured it would be good for a laugh. And it was. I mean the whole thing is just chock full of crazy rules that I cant imagine might work. I can say that out of a sense of curiosity, I decided to follow all of "The Rules" for one week. They didnt work for me any better than the more traditional dating advice of "just be yourself." The advantage of the latter though is that I kind of like being myself. So I am going to stick to that one.
Reading The Rules did get me thinking about some things. Mostly I thought the entire thing was complete bullshit. I had to wonder how I might feel if following The Rules had helped me. I mean, it is basically a manual on manipulation. Not my thing really. And I think I would resent being with someone if I felt that I had had to manipulate him into being with me. Ah well, the chapters are short and it is good bathroom reading. Like most things there are a couple of good points tucked in there here and there. Things like, you cant change people so if the guy you are dating isnt treating you well when you are dating, the odds are that he wont suddenly shape up once he has a wedding ring on his finger. But ok. Other than that, it is pretty much bullshit.
Today actually started out pretty good. I had an email from a long lost friend in my inbox and that made me really happy as he was at one time one of my very best friends. We've just fallen out of touch in recent years which happens sometimes. I kind of had to laugh though because I have been saying "I know that I never call and never write but that doesnt mean that I dont love you" to a lot of people lately.
Which kind of reminds me of that lovely dating handbook The Rules. Because one of the things they keep saying over and over is that if someone is interested in you or cares, they will call. I KNOW that isnt true because there are a lot of people in this world whom I LOVE dearly and whom I seldom call. I found a copy in the free book room lately and brought it home. I figured it would be good for a laugh. And it was. I mean the whole thing is just chock full of crazy rules that I cant imagine might work. I can say that out of a sense of curiosity, I decided to follow all of "The Rules" for one week. They didnt work for me any better than the more traditional dating advice of "just be yourself." The advantage of the latter though is that I kind of like being myself. So I am going to stick to that one.
Reading The Rules did get me thinking about some things. Mostly I thought the entire thing was complete bullshit. I had to wonder how I might feel if following The Rules had helped me. I mean, it is basically a manual on manipulation. Not my thing really. And I think I would resent being with someone if I felt that I had had to manipulate him into being with me. Ah well, the chapters are short and it is good bathroom reading. Like most things there are a couple of good points tucked in there here and there. Things like, you cant change people so if the guy you are dating isnt treating you well when you are dating, the odds are that he wont suddenly shape up once he has a wedding ring on his finger. But ok. Other than that, it is pretty much bullshit.
Monday, July 09, 2007
What a Weekend!
Whew. I had a busy weekend!
Friday
I spent Friday night at my grandmother's house. She is pretty old and is having mobility issues and is in danger of falling. She cant even get out of bed on her own which is an obvious safety issue. So someone has to stay with her all the time. Usually it is my aunt who does that but she was on vacation so my sister and I were watching her over the weekend. It was nice spending time with her but exhausting too. I cant imagine being the primary care giver for an elderly person. My hats are off to anyone who takes on that role.
Saturday
On Saturday, I went and hung out in Detroit with a whole bunch of people who, like me, grew up there. A bunch of them still live in the city and some are like me and have moved out to the 'burbs.* We hung out at Brent and Gianna's house for a bit which was cool. My friend Anna was visiting from LA. I could go on and on about what a great person Anna is but I figure that the people who read this who know her already know that and no one else will really care.
I went to the City Fest at the New Center by myself because Anna wanted to go to a movie at the DIA and I didn't want to see it. I got really lucky because I ran into my friend Burton within about five minutes. Burton always cracks me up and makes me laugh. I went to middle school with Burton**. I must have met him in seventh grade which would mean that I've known him since I was 12 which means that I've known him for more than 25 years!
At City Fest, I got to see a band that I particularly enjoyed called Yo La Tengo. I had never heard of them. I don't usually indulge in too much live music because I am really cheap. But this concert was FREE which is my favorite kind. One of the best things about free concerts is that it allows a person to take a chance on something. I mean, what was the worst that could happen? I might not like them...in which case, I could just leave. But I did really like them! Now I might have to buy an album or something.
Eventually we all ended up at the Majestic where I had a pretty nice time talking to lots of people. I sometimes think of myself as being kind of anti-social and it is true that I do spend a lot of time alone and also true that I generally enjoy that time. But I am also a talker and once I get going...well..."blah blah blah"! It was wild being there at that bar with lots of people with such similar backgrounds to me. I mean, I have a lot of friends "from high school" but most of those people are from the high school I went to for my senior year, CHS in Ann Arbor. They are all fun people but none of them understand anything about the high school I went to for three years in Detroit, Cass Tech. It was kind of fun talking about Cass Tech and stuff.
Sunday
Sunday was hot. It was one of those days with a hot wind where you just cant get cool no matter what you do which, of course, means that there is only one thing to do: Go to the LAKE!!! I had quite a day there. I had my sister's dog Buddy with me and my own dog, Brooke. The evil dog hating neighbors were there so I put Brooke and Buddy out on the swim raft which worked really well until it was time to go back to shore. Neither one of those jerks would get off the raft. I thought about climbing onto the raft myself to push them off but decided it would be easier to just take the kayak out to them. I got on the kayak and both dogs were willing to get on it. Unfortunately, Buddy isn't much like Brooke who sits still in the kayak and he leaned over too far and tipped the kayak over. Brooke got stuck underneath it which was really scary for her. She could of drowned! But she didn't and later on I took her back out in the kayak and she didn't seem too scared of it so at least that didn't traumatize her.
The best part of the day though was when two loose dogs came by and went over to the horrible neighbors' house where they were all gathered. I am not sure but I think they had food on the ground like last time and I think the dogs went for it. It was awesome because this time I could laugh at them for keeping their food on the ground knowing that the really bitchy lady wasn't going to come yell at me for it. All I had to do was sit and watch the screaming and chasing of dogs and general chaos. Ah...sweet sweet schadenfreude!
* It is funny, though, because even though I am 1/2 hour from Downtown Detroit, I just don't think of Ypsilanti as being a suburb of Detroit. I think of it more as a suburb of Ann Arbor.
** At Burton International School (just another weird coinicidence)
Friday
I spent Friday night at my grandmother's house. She is pretty old and is having mobility issues and is in danger of falling. She cant even get out of bed on her own which is an obvious safety issue. So someone has to stay with her all the time. Usually it is my aunt who does that but she was on vacation so my sister and I were watching her over the weekend. It was nice spending time with her but exhausting too. I cant imagine being the primary care giver for an elderly person. My hats are off to anyone who takes on that role.
Saturday
On Saturday, I went and hung out in Detroit with a whole bunch of people who, like me, grew up there. A bunch of them still live in the city and some are like me and have moved out to the 'burbs.* We hung out at Brent and Gianna's house for a bit which was cool. My friend Anna was visiting from LA. I could go on and on about what a great person Anna is but I figure that the people who read this who know her already know that and no one else will really care.
I went to the City Fest at the New Center by myself because Anna wanted to go to a movie at the DIA and I didn't want to see it. I got really lucky because I ran into my friend Burton within about five minutes. Burton always cracks me up and makes me laugh. I went to middle school with Burton**. I must have met him in seventh grade which would mean that I've known him since I was 12 which means that I've known him for more than 25 years!
At City Fest, I got to see a band that I particularly enjoyed called Yo La Tengo. I had never heard of them. I don't usually indulge in too much live music because I am really cheap. But this concert was FREE which is my favorite kind. One of the best things about free concerts is that it allows a person to take a chance on something. I mean, what was the worst that could happen? I might not like them...in which case, I could just leave. But I did really like them! Now I might have to buy an album or something.
Eventually we all ended up at the Majestic where I had a pretty nice time talking to lots of people. I sometimes think of myself as being kind of anti-social and it is true that I do spend a lot of time alone and also true that I generally enjoy that time. But I am also a talker and once I get going...well..."blah blah blah"! It was wild being there at that bar with lots of people with such similar backgrounds to me. I mean, I have a lot of friends "from high school" but most of those people are from the high school I went to for my senior year, CHS in Ann Arbor. They are all fun people but none of them understand anything about the high school I went to for three years in Detroit, Cass Tech. It was kind of fun talking about Cass Tech and stuff.
Sunday
Sunday was hot. It was one of those days with a hot wind where you just cant get cool no matter what you do which, of course, means that there is only one thing to do: Go to the LAKE!!! I had quite a day there. I had my sister's dog Buddy with me and my own dog, Brooke. The evil dog hating neighbors were there so I put Brooke and Buddy out on the swim raft which worked really well until it was time to go back to shore. Neither one of those jerks would get off the raft. I thought about climbing onto the raft myself to push them off but decided it would be easier to just take the kayak out to them. I got on the kayak and both dogs were willing to get on it. Unfortunately, Buddy isn't much like Brooke who sits still in the kayak and he leaned over too far and tipped the kayak over. Brooke got stuck underneath it which was really scary for her. She could of drowned! But she didn't and later on I took her back out in the kayak and she didn't seem too scared of it so at least that didn't traumatize her.
The best part of the day though was when two loose dogs came by and went over to the horrible neighbors' house where they were all gathered. I am not sure but I think they had food on the ground like last time and I think the dogs went for it. It was awesome because this time I could laugh at them for keeping their food on the ground knowing that the really bitchy lady wasn't going to come yell at me for it. All I had to do was sit and watch the screaming and chasing of dogs and general chaos. Ah...sweet sweet schadenfreude!
* It is funny, though, because even though I am 1/2 hour from Downtown Detroit, I just don't think of Ypsilanti as being a suburb of Detroit. I think of it more as a suburb of Ann Arbor.
** At Burton International School (just another weird coinicidence)
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
A Visit
My friends Terry and Jen came over on Saturday. I was worried because I had to tell them that I couldn’t go on vacation with them this summer. Last fall the three of us discussed going on a vacation together but it was an expensive sort of vacation (around $5k a person) and I was only able to save up about half of the amount which just isn’t enough. But it turned out that I worried for nothing because they aren’t going either and for pretty much the same reason. We’ll have to go to China and ride the choo-choo to Moscow another time.
We had a good day visiting though. There was a good storm in the afternoon and a lot of rain got dumped. The rail road tracks by my house got totally flooded. The water was so high that we weren’t sure we should cross so we had to take the long way to Kluck’s for their yummy hamburgers. Luckily the water had gone down enough for us to cross the rail road tracks by the time we were done getting our food. I wanted to take a walk down to Riverside Park to see if it flooded but I never got around to it.
We had a good day visiting though. There was a good storm in the afternoon and a lot of rain got dumped. The rail road tracks by my house got totally flooded. The water was so high that we weren’t sure we should cross so we had to take the long way to Kluck’s for their yummy hamburgers. Luckily the water had gone down enough for us to cross the rail road tracks by the time we were done getting our food. I wanted to take a walk down to Riverside Park to see if it flooded but I never got around to it.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
A week revolving slightly around Anna
It has been a very busy week for me. I kind of like it...having stuff to do.
On Sunday I had lunch with one of my oldest friends. It is nice having friends whom one has known since forever. I think I must have been around 4 y/o when I met Anna/Auhna which means she is one of the few people outside of my family to have known me when I was a kid. We went to the Blue Nile in Ferndale which is pretty much like the Blue Nile in Ann Arbor. Very good but kind of expensive. Mostly we talked about Anna's glamorous life in L.A. I didnt have as much time to spend with her on this trip as I would have liked. She returned to LA on Wednesday.
Then, today, I went to Detroit with my friend Heather because I had free tickets for a play at the Hillberry. We got there early so we went for a little walk and then ran into "BillyLeopard" , an old high school friend of mine who also just happens to know Anna. I didnt have too much time to talk to him because we had to go to the play but it was nice to see him anyways.
After the play, Heather and I went for a little drive around the city. We drove up to the old neighborhood where I showed her where I used to live. And then we noticed that Anna's old house was for sale and having an open house! The owner was very nice and let us have a quick tour even though I admitted I wasnt really looking for a house to buy. Still there is a part of me that wants to just because it is a great house at that price. It is not only a great house but it is a GREAT neighborhood: all tree lined streets and beautiful old houses built mostly in the 20's. The 1920's is just one of my favorite eras for houses. My own house was built in 1925.
In between all of that, I am working full time and going to school full time and trying to keep my lawn mowed.
On Sunday I had lunch with one of my oldest friends. It is nice having friends whom one has known since forever. I think I must have been around 4 y/o when I met Anna/Auhna which means she is one of the few people outside of my family to have known me when I was a kid. We went to the Blue Nile in Ferndale which is pretty much like the Blue Nile in Ann Arbor. Very good but kind of expensive. Mostly we talked about Anna's glamorous life in L.A. I didnt have as much time to spend with her on this trip as I would have liked. She returned to LA on Wednesday.
Then, today, I went to Detroit with my friend Heather because I had free tickets for a play at the Hillberry. We got there early so we went for a little walk and then ran into "BillyLeopard" , an old high school friend of mine who also just happens to know Anna. I didnt have too much time to talk to him because we had to go to the play but it was nice to see him anyways.
After the play, Heather and I went for a little drive around the city. We drove up to the old neighborhood where I showed her where I used to live. And then we noticed that Anna's old house was for sale and having an open house! The owner was very nice and let us have a quick tour even though I admitted I wasnt really looking for a house to buy. Still there is a part of me that wants to just because it is a great house at that price. It is not only a great house but it is a GREAT neighborhood: all tree lined streets and beautiful old houses built mostly in the 20's. The 1920's is just one of my favorite eras for houses. My own house was built in 1925.
In between all of that, I am working full time and going to school full time and trying to keep my lawn mowed.
Friday, April 27, 2007
The Grass is Always Greener
I went back to work today where I found out that I will most likely be disqualified from the short term disability benefit because I went into work last friday which means that the one week waiting period reset. As it happens, I would have only been entitled to 80% of 24 hours of pay. I've missed 64 hours of work and would be required to use personal/vacation days for the first forty hours anyways. Still it is frustrating because I went into work last Friday mostly because I felt guilty about staying home even when I was sick. And maybe I didnt really want to admit that I was as sick as I was. Oh well.
This whole sickness has really brought up a lot of feelings of frustration. This business of missing out on some money reminds me that I have allowed myself to be in a financial situation that I dont like. It also reminds me yet again of how fragile a body can be. One good flu virus and you're out for a couple of weeks! And it can be worse too. Arent we all just one good car accident away from being laid up for weeks and weeks... or worse?
And of course, there is that feeling I get once in a while that it just really sucks being single. And I know that is a complete example of The-Grass-Is-Greener thinking as a good friend reminded me when I was whining about it on the phone earlier this week. She reminded me that spouses can be a lot of work and that when one in a twosome gets some highly contagious illness, it is very likely that the other one will too and then you're not only sick but you have to put up with someone else's hacking cough in the middle of the night. But of course in my mind, I would be married to someone immune to all illnesses ;)
Seriously though. It is one of the weird parts of my personality that I could probably spend a fortune on therapy figuring out. On the one hand, I have a real desire to have someone take care of me and I mean totally. Financially, emotionally, make me chicken soup, etc. And on the other hand, I *hate* letting my friends help me. I turned down a lot of offers of help this past week. So I long for something that I hate getting. How fucked up is that?
Oh well. I am better now. My health has returned. My tax refund will spare me any serious financial issues. My good humor will be back before too long and things will seem rosy again. I mean it is almost summer time and even if I cant afford to go on some special vacation, I can spend a lot of days swimming under blue skies and that is something.
This whole sickness has really brought up a lot of feelings of frustration. This business of missing out on some money reminds me that I have allowed myself to be in a financial situation that I dont like. It also reminds me yet again of how fragile a body can be. One good flu virus and you're out for a couple of weeks! And it can be worse too. Arent we all just one good car accident away from being laid up for weeks and weeks... or worse?
And of course, there is that feeling I get once in a while that it just really sucks being single. And I know that is a complete example of The-Grass-Is-Greener thinking as a good friend reminded me when I was whining about it on the phone earlier this week. She reminded me that spouses can be a lot of work and that when one in a twosome gets some highly contagious illness, it is very likely that the other one will too and then you're not only sick but you have to put up with someone else's hacking cough in the middle of the night. But of course in my mind, I would be married to someone immune to all illnesses ;)
Seriously though. It is one of the weird parts of my personality that I could probably spend a fortune on therapy figuring out. On the one hand, I have a real desire to have someone take care of me and I mean totally. Financially, emotionally, make me chicken soup, etc. And on the other hand, I *hate* letting my friends help me. I turned down a lot of offers of help this past week. So I long for something that I hate getting. How fucked up is that?
Oh well. I am better now. My health has returned. My tax refund will spare me any serious financial issues. My good humor will be back before too long and things will seem rosy again. I mean it is almost summer time and even if I cant afford to go on some special vacation, I can spend a lot of days swimming under blue skies and that is something.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
There is Always Someone Worse Off
Ok, I gotta admit it. The main reason I like news stories such as the recent story about the astronaut who put on some diapers and then drove 1000 miles to get all crazy around a romantic rival is that I get to sit up here far away it all and say "Well, at least I am not *that* crazy"
I have had my bouts of craziness of course and at least a couple of times, I have had the crazies bad enough that I can empathize with My breakup with my first real boyfriend when I was 21 was the worst time. I dont even have words to describe that feeling of being out of control. I think that I was in so much pain that the pain became all that mattered.
I remember one incident where I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and found him in bed with the woman who later became his next girlfriend. I was soooooo angry. I ran out of the apartment and on the way out, I kicked the window and broke it. I mean, it was serious scary violent stuff. But the truth is that I didnt intend to break the window when I kicked it. I actually just wanted to make a loud noise so he would know how angry I was, which would be scary enough and inappropriate in and of itself but is less than broken glass. The thing is that I was so out of control at that moment that I didnt have any common sense. It simply didnt occur to me that kicking a window would cause it to break. I know that sounds unbelievable. But honestly that was how I was thinking. (and on a side note, now that I am not angry with that former boyfriend anymore for dumping me, I am grateful to him because he never called the cops about that incident or used it to embarrass me. He even forgave me the debt of the money to replace the window)
Later on when I realized how creepy my behavior was and when I started feeling some similar feelings at the end of another relationship, I did spend a few years and several thousand of dollars in therapy which turned my life around and gave me the skills to deal with things better. Oh, I have found myself slipping into crazy thought patterns since the therapy but only for short times and never with any out of control behavior.
So that is the thing I guess. I can empathize with Ms Diaper Astronaut. I know what it is like to be crazy in that way. But I also know that I would never have put on diapers so I could drive 1000 miles without stopping for bathroom breaks to meet up with someone in an airport in order to pepper spray them. I dont know why I find it comforting that there are people in the world who are worse than I am but in this case, I do.
I think it is a fear thing. For years I worried that I might lose control again and now I feel confident that I wont. Stories like this one remind me of that and give me a glimpse into what life might have like for me if I hadnt of gotten my shit together.
I have had my bouts of craziness of course and at least a couple of times, I have had the crazies bad enough that I can empathize with My breakup with my first real boyfriend when I was 21 was the worst time. I dont even have words to describe that feeling of being out of control. I think that I was in so much pain that the pain became all that mattered.
I remember one incident where I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and found him in bed with the woman who later became his next girlfriend. I was soooooo angry. I ran out of the apartment and on the way out, I kicked the window and broke it. I mean, it was serious scary violent stuff. But the truth is that I didnt intend to break the window when I kicked it. I actually just wanted to make a loud noise so he would know how angry I was, which would be scary enough and inappropriate in and of itself but is less than broken glass. The thing is that I was so out of control at that moment that I didnt have any common sense. It simply didnt occur to me that kicking a window would cause it to break. I know that sounds unbelievable. But honestly that was how I was thinking. (and on a side note, now that I am not angry with that former boyfriend anymore for dumping me, I am grateful to him because he never called the cops about that incident or used it to embarrass me. He even forgave me the debt of the money to replace the window)
Later on when I realized how creepy my behavior was and when I started feeling some similar feelings at the end of another relationship, I did spend a few years and several thousand of dollars in therapy which turned my life around and gave me the skills to deal with things better. Oh, I have found myself slipping into crazy thought patterns since the therapy but only for short times and never with any out of control behavior.
So that is the thing I guess. I can empathize with Ms Diaper Astronaut. I know what it is like to be crazy in that way. But I also know that I would never have put on diapers so I could drive 1000 miles without stopping for bathroom breaks to meet up with someone in an airport in order to pepper spray them. I dont know why I find it comforting that there are people in the world who are worse than I am but in this case, I do.
I think it is a fear thing. For years I worried that I might lose control again and now I feel confident that I wont. Stories like this one remind me of that and give me a glimpse into what life might have like for me if I hadnt of gotten my shit together.
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